tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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