I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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