So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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