When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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