You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
