There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
