someone owes me an orgasm
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
