My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
