life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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