what day is it and did you see me today?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
