I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm bleeding and have questions
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
