They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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