Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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