just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
