Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
