My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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