I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We talked him into tasing himself.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
