my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
