I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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