i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
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Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
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I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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