So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
