i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
