Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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