and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
