sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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