11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
