my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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