One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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