youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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