the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
