Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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