Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
