In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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