You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
