I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
