I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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