I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
