By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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