you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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