dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
