My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
