So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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