Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
