It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
