The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
