I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
