Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
