nut hugger
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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