My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
