Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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