i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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