1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
