In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
