I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
