Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
