just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
